Hi friends! Long time no see. I said I would have a 1-month break, but really, it’s been longer than that.
I have been thinking in the past few weeks of the recipes that I could write about, but I have not been cooking that much because the recent heatwave in England has deterred me from the stove. Plus, when I started the blog, I did intend for it to be more than just my kitchen life. So here we are, a post that does not involve food.
On return to normality and rambles on mental health
The truth is, I have been struggling with my mental health. As normal life resumes in the UK, I have been wrestling with both commitments I have picked up during the past year as well as old hobbies that used to occupy my life.
In fact, I have been struggling for a while — it has been on and off since last October, though not for the same reasons. This may come as a surprise for those who know me: I have kept quiet about it, I was subconciously ashamed by this newfound ‘weakness’.
(I have since then gradually came to understand mental health struggles are not “weaknesses”: just like getting injured in climbing, it is important to rest, rehab, and come back stronger.)
Somewhere along there were things that would make it more bearable; in some ways, writing this blog was one of the things that gave me strength in the long winter that has just passed. However, I have come to the realisation that this will not go away for a while. So I am writing about it instead.
At the beginning of the pandemic, mental health issues were discussed a fair amount online. Partly, changes back then felt uniformly abrupt: life was suddenly on halt for everyone, the impact was more preceivable. Like everyone else, I struggled to adjust to the new norm, but I am an introvert, and back then I lived with a very close friend which, in hindsight, made life so much more bearable. Plus, the universal understanding that ‘things are different during lockdown’ cushioned everything.
As lockdown eased however, I struggled more.
Before the pandemic, my life outside work is packed with restaurants, theatres, climbing; in the past year, I kept myself occupied with recipe testing, reading clubs, and blog posts. Both versions of life were lived full to the brim, so when pre-pandemic life resumed, it was painful to give things up. Some habits were also not ready to merge with reality: aside from trying to learn how to socialise in real-life again, picking up cycling during lockdown did not prepare me for busy rush-hour roads in central London, a long time without public transport made Northern Line commutes even more suffocating.
The rapid resumption of life-as-it-once-was overwhelmed me. What made it worse was the fact that everyone else seems to be rejoicing that lockdown is finally over.
Am I alone in feeling this way? Is it wrong to feel like this?
I kept thinking, and these thought are harmful on its own. It made me feel alienated, invisible, lost.
I cannot quantify how long it took me to speak to someone, but thanks to some friends, I now know others who have found it difficult to dive back into ‘normal’ life. Knowing this has made me more positive about finding a way out.
So here we are today. I write this now not because I am at the exit of the tunnel, but because I want to contribute to the acknowledgement that the problem exists. I write here to address the elephant in the room. If there is someone out there who has also been finding it difficult to navigate out of the pandemic, I write here to tell you that, you are not alone, and I hope you find some comfort in knowing this.
Reshaping your life is hard, no matter which direction you go.
Afterword
If you are here, thank you so much for reading this.
Also thank you for staying with me, because honestly, after a 6-week radio silence on the blog, I thought some of you might have unsubscribed. Many of you didn’t, and I am deeply grateful for that.
Next week there will be another (more cheerful) post coming (despite I said monthly updates last time!) — no recipes again, but I’d like to share with you some of the things that have kept me happy over the past weeks: exhibitions, new restaurants, day trip destinations.
Until then, happy weekend :)